One World, One Flame (Two Ears Forever Offended)

Bryan Adams has lied to Canada. He once told us, “Everything I do, I do it for you.” But apparently, everything he does, he does for Germany.

“One World, One Flame” is the new song he recently wrote and recorded exclusively for ARD TV in Germany. The German station will use it as the theme song for their Olympic Coverage. I know what your next question is: “How soon can I change my citizenship and move to Deutschland?”

Well stop the paperwork, because Bryan is offering a taste of his song here. Just make sure you’re wearing your water wings, because the lyrics are pretty deep.

And the Germans are pretty excited about it, as you can tell from this ARD broken English press release:

From 1th of February the song is to hear on the ARD and the radio. The song will guide the audience of ARD through the Olympic Games. ARD sports coordinator Balkausky Axel said: “We are very pleased that we could win Bryan Adams for writing and singing this song only for our broadcasts of the Winter Olympics.” Adams is not only world-famous, but stand up for Canada more than any other musicians. With “One World, One Flame” he has written a song that fits perfectly into such a big event like the Olympics. “We are very excited to see how our audience will accept it,” added Balkausky.

It’s worth mentioning the musical anthem for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics was “One World, One Dream,” so Bryan really challenged himself creatively on this one.

It’s also worth mentioning that Germany will likely be our toughest rival in the medal count, along with the Americans. If this awful soft rock anthem somehow pushes German athletes to the next level, I will personally hold Bryan Adams accountable.

My bigger fear is that Canadian broadcasters will try to retaliate by commissioning a song by David Hasselhoff.

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The S.S. Dreamcrusher

As a Calgarian, I’m not allowed to let this story get by without comment:

In a floating hotel cash-grab scheme gone horribly wrong, a group of Edmonton investors are leaving a group of Olympic-bound terminally ill kids high and dry.

From the CTV story:

Thirteen terminally ill children and their families who were set to take in the spectacle of the Vancouver Olympics may see that last wish dashed after accommodation plans fell through less than two weeks before the Games.

The families are among approximately 800 people who were supposed to stay in a cruise ship that was to serve as a floating hotel during the Games. But the investment company behind the project cancelled the plan. Many people are left with nowhere to stay, including the children who had planned to attend the Games with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Edmonton’s Newwest Special Projects confirmed it pulled the plug on accommodations for the Norwegian Star cruise ship because sales were slow and expenses were too great. It’s a business decision that throws into turmoil the Olympic travel plans of people from around the world.

Why are land-locked Edmontonians trying to cash in on a transformed cruise ship? It’s not your area of expertise. Stick to the stuff you’re good at, like drilling for oil or reminiscing about how good your hockey team was 25 years ago.

I just hope these Make-A-Wish kids find a place to stay. I’d offer up my place, but I don’t think any kid’s wish is to sleep on a slow-leak inflatable floor mattress. Plus, I’ve got a two week supply of naive Korean tourists booked on that mattress at $500/night.

(thanks to Mel Woytiuk for the story)

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Weir Eye for the Skate Guy

Flamboyant US figure skater Johnny Weir recently ruffled the feathers of animal rights activists by unveiling a new skating outfit featuring real fox fur. You know, because if the judges suspect that arm accent is made with faux fur, that’s an easy tenth of a point deduction.

Rather than bow down to the pressure, Johnny lashed back at the fur activists, saying:

“I totally get the dirtiness of the fur industry and how terrible it is to animals, but it’s not something that’s the No. 1 priority in my life. There are humans dying every day. There are thousands if not millions of homeless people in New York City. Look at what just happened in Haiti.”

“I tend to focus my energy, if there is a cause, on humans. While that may be callous and bad of me, it’s my choice.”

Judging from that response, he might end up skating in a full length pimp-style fur coat, just to spite PETA.

So if you weren’t planning on watching Men’s Figure Skating, you might want to reconsider. It could be historic watching a figure skater try to nail the perfect routine while dodging buckets of red paint.

(For your viewing pleasure, Johnny interprets Lady GaGa’s “Pokerface”)

Possible inspiration from the Killers?

Johnny's previous "Merman" costume

More Mukmuk

I’ll admit, I’m a fan of the 2010 mascots. All of the naysayers of this huggable family of critters happen to be adults, who don’t realize that their right to criticize mascots went away when their age hit double digits.

Kids love Quatchi, Sumi, and Miga, and swarm them with the same fervor of a suburban ice cream truck.

My only issue is with the blatant suppression of Mukmuk, the tragic Cinderella figure in this equation.

For proof, check out this press photo of the 4 of them going for a walk, with MukMuk forced hang back further than a Taliban wife.

Quatchi, Miga, Sumi and... Mukmuk

Officially, Mukmuk is supposed to be a Mascot “sidekick”. An Andy Richter, if you will. Still, in the cuteness contest, Mukmuk is the clear winner, and is clearly the reason for the prejudice.

A little bit from Mukmuk’s official bio:

When he is not hibernating or sunbathing on rocks and logs, he enjoys getting out to meet other types of marmots and animals. In fact, this is how he became friends with the Vancouver 2010 Olympic and Paralympic mascots.

Mukmuk gets his name from the word ‘muckamuck,’ Chinook jargon for ‘food,’ because he loves to eat! (Interestingly, Chinook jargon was a First Nations trading language.) He’s passionate about the many different types of food found in British Columbia, and is particularly fond of berries and mountain flowers.

Now that CoCo is off the air for the next 7 months, why not divert your support to Team Mukmuk.

A Fresh Coat of Paint!

(To be read in a heavy tone of sarcasm)

Dear Vanoc and City of Vancouver,

I’d like to commend you on your wise choice to freshen up the city’s art installations in recent days. I noticed the Orca mural that welcomed the incoming traffic on the Granville Bridge has been given a fresh coat of paint. It’s nice to see 70’s-style Air Brushed Van Art so lovingly restored, so that tourists can feel like they’re driving into the coastal equivalent of the 3 wolf moon shirt. It’s an excellent first impression of Canada’s arts community.

And while I’m handing out kudos, I’d also like to commend you on covering up that graffiti mural on Beatty Street. When the Steve Nash foundation commissioned artists to add some flare to the retaining wall years ago, they forgot about those people who might prefer the raw beauty of bare concrete and water stains. Thank god you painted over their graffiti with a nice shade of Avatar Blue. I’m sure tourists will shoot way more photos of that strip of blue than they did they mélange of colourful and diverse graffiti that was once there.

Since you’re off to a good start on being the curator of what makes good art in this city, I’d like to ask that a tarp be thrown over the entire Vancouver Art Gallery. I don’t want Olympic tourists thinking we offer anything to the world other than glass buildings, dog sweaters, and Lulu Lemon gym lingerie.

Sincerely,

Jarrod

(Less sarcastic news coverage here)