Dear Evgeni Plushenko,
Allow me to apologize for the gross injustice inflicted upon you and your beloved mother Russia that came in the form of what one could only loosely refer to as “judging” during this year’s men’s figure skating finals. How you suffered this indignation with such grace and humility was truly an Olympic miracle.
Presenting a gold metal to a “man” whose program does not include a quad is an utter sham. It sets the sport of figure skating back decades and offers definitive proof of an IOC agenda that men’s figure skating be dominated by sissies.
I propose the following: a new men’s figure skating club that only allows men that can consistently perform quads. This quad club will feature the greatest male figure skaters in the world and demonstrate the pinnacle of athleticism in the sport. Also, every skater who becomes part of the club will receive four gold rings to signify that he is part of this elite group of men. The club will have a secret knock; you guessed it—four quick knocks that will grant admission to the quad clubhouse, where men can just hang out eating steaks and talking about figure skating as men do.
I urge you to join the proposed club early. While many of the club positions have tentatively been filled, we still have an opening for secretary. Can I assume you’d be interested?
Quad Club Founder